Living Fully . . .

A friend shared an article with me today, posted on NPR called a Brush with Death. The article speaks to the subject of slow motion that is often reported when someone has a life threatening experience.

The authors, Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich focus on the work of Dr. David Eagleman, a Neuroscientist at Baylor College of Medicine. Dr Eagleman has studied the experience and had one of his own as a child.

Dr. Eagleman sought to understand what was happening in those who had this experience and came to the conclusion that what was going on was not a question of perception but one of memory of the event. "it's all about memory, not turbo perception. "Normally, our memories are like sieves," he says. "We're not writing down most of what's passing through our system." Think about walking down a crowded street: You see a lot of faces, street signs, all kinds of stimuli. Most of this, though, never becomes a part of your memory. But if a car suddenly swerves and heads straight for you, your memory shifts gears. Now it's writing down everything — every cloud, every piece of dirt, every little fleeting thought, anything that might be useful."

There is a field of study called Epigenetics that is looking at the roles of our ancestors in our lives as it relates to our health and wellness and our predispositions. I would take these studies a step further as some have done and explore the role of emotional experience and it's role in our lives.

Going back to Dr. Eagleman's research on the role of perception verses memory, I would share that I think both shape our personal and global worlds. Not just at the physical level but at the emotional and spiritual level as well.They are one in the same and it does not take a near death experience to go to this place of timelessness or slow motion he is taking about.

My life as a little girl and teenager had it's share of stress and pain. I like many children in our country experienced abuse in my home. My dad was a Korean War Veteran and with that came other pain in our family.I also remember good times, times that stood out equally to the painful times. What I learned as a result of the painful times was how to be strong, loving, compassionate, caring, forgiving and strong. The good times taught me to laugh, to dare to seek adventure, to reach out, to be more than my experiences of pain. It has been my process over many years to come to the place where I am now, which is one of gratitude for all of my life experiences.

As I've walked my path of understanding and forgiveness in my family my research into my family history has begun to uncover a pattern of pain as well as strength. In the past month I've confirmed what I have always known and felt in my heart, that my ancestors were among those accused of being witches and put to death for it. My 10th generation great grandmother, Mary Towne Esty, and my 10th generation great aunt Rebbecca Nurse (they were sisters) were both wrongly accused of being witches and brought to trial and hung within the same year. These women were strong women. They stood their ground, standing firm in maintaining their innocence, knowing that to do so would likely mean their death. Others who were accused pleaded guilty to witchery so that they might hopefully live. Some managed to live, others did not.

Mary and Rebbecca refused to plead guilty and in going to their deaths their actions are what what led to the ceasing of these trials in New England.

A great aunt on my mothers side was murdered as a young mother and little is known about the details.

My grandmother on my mothers side died in her 30s' after living much of her adult life with an abusive husband, who also abused their children.

More than a few of the women in my family had a history of trauma and pain, and along with that physical health challenges that often led to their deaths. Many of them were also living their lives as victims or survivors of trauma.

In later 2008 my own world came apart in that slow motion kind of way that Dr. Eagleman speaks about. Some call this experience the 'Dark Night of the Soul" Some might call it mid life crisis. Some spiritual awakening.

In my life it was labeled OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) as a result of PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). In the Civil War what I was feeling was called a Soldiers Heart. In my fathers day it was called Shell Shock.

For me, I really feel like my journey was more about my moving into another experience of reality. In as much as Dr. Eaglemans article speaks to the experience as more memory than perceptual I would have to say that for me it was and is about perception and memory. I moved through the stories of trauma and pain that my ancestors held, that I was carrying in my own body, in my DNA.

My own personal experience in this life, as well as the experience's of those who have come before me are part of the story that is me. I am also much more than the story of those who came before me and it is awareness that makes the difference. With awareness comes choice.With awareness comes my ability to understand what my body is feeling. What my memories and perceptions are shaped by, often at an unconscious level.

In Epigenetics, the memory of trauma can be retained and or passed down, such as disease states in ancestors of the Potato Famine. It is my deep belief and experience that we can also pass on the memory and perceptions to future generations. I've felt it myself, all of my life. Without understanding of the stories, of the untold experiences of those who had come before me, I was floating in an ocean of knowledge bumping up against things I could not see that confused me and caused me to live in fear. With understanding, I have chosen to see what's in the water, honor it ,and learn from the wisdom contained. I'm lighting my way by shining my light.

While in misunderstanding I railed in the water, fought the current, pushed against it with deep anger and rage. As I began to uncover my history, the story of who I was, who I was living in my body, I began to breath easier, to surrender to the gentle lapping of the water.

I saw that I could choose to rail and be angry or I could choose to give thanks for the great strength of those who came before me and for the pain, and joy in my own life. I could carry on with the anger they felt, the victimhood, or I could stop, be in the NOW, and give thanks to them for being my teachers so that I could choose love.

I choose the latter. I stopped fighting and opened to the love and wisdom of myself and my ancestors. I send them love in their present moments. Strength, compassion, forgiveness, and all that is good.

I am a strong and loving women who comes from a long line of strong and loving women, each making their way in the world, with something to teach.

I liken the state Dr. Eagleman talks about to meditation. To Bodhicitta (compassionate heart). To living in the NOW. To gratitude and appreciation for each moment.To each chirp of a cricket, flap of a wing, twinkle of a star . . . where am I in the moment . . . beta, alpha, theta, delta, gamma states of brain and awareness (gamma is where healers spend a lot of their time).

We, each of us, can do that too and I believe we do when we go to that still quiet place of our love and passions. Whether that be painting, working with clay, writing, singing, prayer, meditation, walking in the woods, or humming to our newborn. It's that place where love lives. I don''t think we have to have a near death to go there. The near death or dark night of the soul experience can be seen as a gift, if we are blessed with the experience, that can awaken us to the knowledge that this place of stillness and peace is alive within each of us.

I called my experiences in 2008 exquisite pain. My journey into slow motion and from there, deep peace and grace.I'll say it again, I don't believe we have to go to that place through a near death experience or some other form of deep pain. We also need not be concerned with needing to be in that place of peace and grace 24/7. Simply knowing it exists within us allows us the ability to come and go from it, and to spend nurturing moments within it whenever we can. Moments that  fuel the rest of our days, the rest of our lives.

It is the beauty of all that is, all around us, within us. We  need only stop for a moment to give witness to it. It is, we are, the sacred, the timeless,  the love . . .within all things . . .The key lies in understanding . . . in the awareness of each one of us that we are so much more.

Love and many blessings . . .

Nellie

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